Kiwi Jokes

On this page you have some Australian Kiwi jokes.

Australians love to make jokes about their neighbours – New Zealanders. Here are a few that I have come across.
Too Many Kiwis

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun and shoots the watch to pieces.

He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "Wull bro, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

In the Bar

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The Aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Test Tickets

A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Doctor.

The Doctor said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles...

The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian doctor.

He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi.

So the Kiwi decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi doctor.

The doc said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off.

The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie doctors wanted to remove my test tickets!

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