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Australian Kiwi Jokes

Australians love to make jokes about their
neighbours – New Zealanders, also called Kiwis.

Here are a few Australian Kiwi jokes that I have come across.

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Australian Kiwi Jokes about too Many Kiwis
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun and shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull bro, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

Australian Kiwi Jokes about Kiwis
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The Aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Australian Kiwi Jokes about Sheep
Australian Kiwi jokes are often based on a weird Aussie thought that New Zealanders have sex with their sheep.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: (look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar!”

Jokes are the sort of things that are made to be spread (all the jokes here have previously been published in emails and elsewhere), and I can't see anyone claiming copyright on a joke, but if you find a joke on this website that you think shouldn’t be published here, contact us and I will get rid of it.

Got some Australian Kiwi jokes? Send them in via the link above, and if they are good jokes and not too dirty, I will put them up.

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NOTE: This website is written in British English, which is the English we use in Australia. You will find words like "traveller", "harbour" and "realise", and they are all correct in the language used in Australia.