Clean Christmas Jokes

Funny Clean Christmas Jokes

Australia already being a country full of jokes, Christmas time will only make it better. Australian Christmas is celebrated in the middle of summer, often on the beach, and Australians have a lot of time for telling funny Christmas jokes. Here are a few Santa Claus jokes and other festive jokes and funny Christmas stories I have come across, and if you have a good one, you can submit it in the end of this page.

By aussiegall

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By Jeff_Marquis

Funny Clean Christmas Jokes: To Believe in Santa or Not to Believe in Santa

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. There are 300,000 species of living things yet to be classified, and most of these are insects and bacteria. Although this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, the chances for it yet to be discovered are pretty slim.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world. But since Santa only appears to handle the Christian children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes. One presumes there's at least one "good" child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting aspect. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On landing, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons! Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!

5. 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second ... EACH! In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening Sonic Booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ... he's dead now!

By OZinOH

Clean Christmas Jokes; Funny Clean Christmas Jokes: A Christmas Cake Recipe

1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
3. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
7. Turn off the mixerer.
8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
14. Add one table.
15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
19. Throw the bowl out of the f**king window.
20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

By stuandgravy

Funny Clean Christmas Jokes: If Santa answered his letters...

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

-- Clean Christmas Jokes --

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

-- Clean Christmas Jokes --

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

-- Clean Christmas Jokes --

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a bottle of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

-- Clean Christmas Jokes --

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
SweetDreams!
Santa

By Mike_the_Mountain

Jokes are the sort of things that are made to be spread (all the jokes here have previously been published in emails and elsewhere), and I can't see anyone claiming copyright on a joke, but if you find a joke on this website that you think shouldn’t be published here, contact us and I will get rid of it.

Got some funny clean Christmas jokes? Send them in via the link above, and if they are good jokes and not too dirty, I will put them up.

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NOTE: This website is written in British English, which is the English we use in Australia. You will find words like "traveller", "harbour" and "realise", and they are all correct in the language used in Australia.

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