Australia already being a country full of jokes, Christmas time will
only make it better. Australian Christmas
is celebrated in the middle of summer, often on the beach, and
Australians have a lot of time for telling funny Christmas jokes.
are a few Santa Claus jokes and other festive jokes and funny Christmas
stories I have come across, and if you have a good one, you can submit
it in the end of this page.
Funny Clean Christmas Jokes: To Believe in Santa or Not
Believe in Santa 1. No known species of reindeer can fly.
300,000 species of living things yet to be classified, and most of
these are insects
and bacteria. Although this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer, the chances for it yet to be discovered are pretty slim.
2. There are 2 billion children in the world. But
since Santa only appears to handle the Christian children, that reduces
the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million. At an average rate of
3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes. One presumes
there's at least one "good" child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work
thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,
assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to
the next house. Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are
evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles. This means
Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed
of sound. For purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -
a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting
aspect. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
Lego Set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On landing,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds. Even granting
that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the
weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons! Again for comparison - this is
four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!
5. 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per
second ... EACH! In short, they will burst into flame almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating
deafening Sonic Booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be
subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A
250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...
he's dead now!
Funny Christmas Jokes - A Christmas
1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour
one level cup and drink.
4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
7. Turn off the mixerer.
8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
14. Add one table.
15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.
17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
19. Throw the bowl out of the window.
20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.
Funny Christmas Jokes: If Santa answered his letters...
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, Billy
spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How
about I send you a bloody book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
Leave me a bottle of Chivas Regal and some
-- Funny Christmas Jokes --
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
This site uses
British English, which is the English we use in Australia. You will
find words like "traveller", "harbour" and "realise", and they are all
correct in the language used in Australia.
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that all the information on this site is correct,
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