Aussie Jokes about Australians

Amongst all the Aussie jokes, some of the most popular are the jokes about Australians themselves. If you are after a laugh or fun facts about Australia, here are a few Australian jokes. If you have got a good one yourself and want to share it with others, you can submit your joke in the end of this page.

Barbie. By Scootie

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Aussie Jokes about States
Australians take huge pride in the state in which they live, and people from New South Wales and other southern states like to say that Queenslanders are lazy backwards, in their attempt to handle the fact that Queenslanders are actually the luckiest people in Australia.

Here is Queensland’s answer:

Queensland vs New South Wales
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, “where have you been?” God pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look Michael, look what I've made,” said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “what is it?”

“It's a planet,” replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, “For example North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.”

“Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people.” God continued pointing to different countries: “This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area and asked, “What's that?”

“Ah”, said God. “That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsmen. The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about Balance, God - you said there will be BALANCE!” God pointed his finger towards an area in southern Australia and replied, “Just wait until you see all the wankers I'm putting in New South Wales!”

Thanks for this joke, Tanya!

Queensland Beach. By arriba

Aussie Jokes - Canberra Weather
Australia is a big country and Australia climate varies a fair bit between hot northern and cold southern states. Canberra is known to be one of the coldest places in Australia. Here is how tough are Canberra people:

+25°C: Queenslanders turn on the heat. Melbournians sunbathe.
+10°C: Melbournians turn on the heat. People in Tasmania plant gardens.
+5°C: Sydney residents shiver uncontrollably. People in Canberra go swimming.
+2°C: Italian cars won't start. People in Canberra drive with the windows open.
0°C: Distilled water freezes. Canberra water gets thicker.
-7°C: Sydney people wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Canberra throw on a T-shirt.
-9°C: Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state. People in Canberra go camping.
-18°C: Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canberra have a last BBQ before it gets cold.
-23°C: People in Perth cease to exist. People in Canberra lick flagpoles.
-29°C: Sydney people fly away to South Pacific islands. People in Canberra throw on a light jacket.
-40°C: Darwin disintegrates. People in Canberra rent videos.
-51°C: Mt. Hotham freezes. Canberra Girl Guides begin selling Guide biscuits door to door.
-62°C: Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Penguins leave Antarctica. Canberra Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-73°C: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Canberra put on a coat.
-114°C: Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Canberra get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
-183°C: Microbial life start to disappear. Canberra cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-273°C: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Canberra start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-296°C: Hell freezes over. Canberra wins the soccer.

Snow in southern Australia. By Lee_Hopkins

Jokes are the sort of things that are made to be spread (all the Aussie jokes here have previously been published in emails and elsewhere), and I can't see anyone claiming copyright on a joke, but if you find a joke on this website that you think shouldn’t be published here, contact us and I will get rid of it.

Got some good Aussie jokes? Send them in via the link above, and if they are good jokes and not too dirty, I will put them up.

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NOTE: This website is written in British English, which is the English we use in Australia. You will find words like "traveller", "harbour" and "realise", and they are all correct in the language used in Australia.

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